I am a rubbish girl. I know i'm not the only one, because I have awesome friends who are also rubbish girls, but if i'm honest, when i'm around women, I always feel inadequate in the extreme. I had a rather tumultuous upbringing, where stuff such as learning about shaving, eyebrows, boobs and periods weren't particularly on the agenda, I was lucky if I had a bed to sleep in, so I had to wing it as far as learning how to be a lady goes....
So these are things i've currently never ever done
Waxed anything - Seriously, nothing, ever, I have seen it on tv and it looks painful though.
Had a manicure - When my nails get too long I just rip them off, rank I know.
Had a pedicure - Surely life is too short and money too sparse to waste on that...
My bikini line - it doesn't poke out my tiniest of pants, and I can't swim so, I don't bother.
Spray Tan - I have tried cheap gradual tans. I'm crap at them. Crap.
Sunbed - When vanity carries a danger of skin cancer, you really need to sort your shit out.
Massage - I did have one once for free. I felt too awkward to relax because I was worried for the poor person having to touch a person they didn't know for money. Yes I have issues.
Facial - I had one once, again, I felt guilty of the time being spent on me, and it gave me tons of spots.
Used tampons - I know! I used one once and passed out, at 13, so never touched them again.
Matching underwear - I have never bought a set, and only recently did I buy a vaguely fancy bra. Some of my knickers i've had since 96 at least. I just don't have that part to me that feels that I have to wear fancy pants, makes me feel like a beef joint wrapped in string.
So there's my list. That is how crap I am. I can't be alone surely. My mates tell me tales of unshaved legs, hairs on boobs they don't bother getting rid of, farting during sex.....so it's not just me that is crap at being a woman, but....I look out, wide eyed and scared at the world, and I feel like an alien against all other women.
When I was younger I really didn't realise how lucky I was. I was virtually always a size 8, my skin barely needed coverage, and if I was needing to feel confident I shoved on a bit of eyeliner and mascara and wallop, I felt pretty. However, as the years have gone by, and me now in my thirties, and being, essentially, lazy, with a rather healthy appetite for bad food and booze, and plus not having being blessed aesthetically, facially, or proportion wise (my body is the length of someone of pushing 6ft tall, but I am 5ft 6 and my legs are 27 inches long. IMAGINE?!) I have to rely on props, hence my lust for make up, to make me feel able to present myself to the human race.
One thing though, I have always, always had no interest in, or any idea about faking it. I have been known to cry out in fear and confusion at how Rihanna would have a short red crop one day, and long blonde hair the next. I didn't actually know that many women of colour would get a weave or extensions. I just thought they were REALLY good with straightening irons and conditioning!
Then comes the tans. The deep, golden tans that everyone seemed to be obsessive about having. Where did these tans happen? What was this madness on 'Snog Marry Avoid' (vid below for the uninitiated) where ladies were rubbing themselves with what looked like childrens washcloths full of brown muck filled me with confusion. How was all this going on and i'd never met, talked about, or seen it in my entire life!?
So, one day I was in brighton, in the blazing sun with no sunscreen and got horrifically burnt. I sent the guy I was with into the local garage to get me some aftersun and I slathered it thickly on my poor burnt legs. What I didn't realise is this wasn't actually aftersun, it was gradual tan in medium/dark (if you're not aware, i'm so pale I'm not sure I register as a colour at all). The next day my calves were a filthy orangey mess, patchy and blotchy, and I realised in horror what had happened. I also realised that it was in the middle of a baking hot summer, and I was expected to be wearing a dress that very evening. I doused more of the stuff on and hoped for the best.....and bizarrely, that evening, whilst in a summer dress and louboutin rip off wedges, I was complimented on how I looked nice with "a bit of colour on me". It did actually help my confidence a little! So, where did this leave me, given my hatred of fakery?
Well, a bit ashamed, and hiding a bottle of Xen gradual tan in the cupboard whilst pretending that despite the fact I barely go outside in the sun, I had somehow 'caught it'. Well done me!
And then there's this, the circle lens thing. If you're not aware of this trend, it's been happening for years in Japan, and is basically borne out of a desire for girls to look at child like, or cartoon like as humanly possible, thus enlarging the iris to an unnatural size to create this effect, sometimes with a vivid colour. I bought these last year as I was being a Ganguro Gal for halloween (if i've got the terminology wrong there, don't hate me, i'm not an expert of Japanese street fashion I just have a fascination with it). Anyway, I bought them, and I realised I felt much more confident with these bright big blue eyes, so now, I wear them constantly. It means I wear less make up to feel like a human, and can get away with mascara, foundation, blusher and lipstick, whereas before i'd go stir crazy on massive Alice Glass esque smoky eyes. I realised, another bit of fakery was boosting me....was it such a bad thing?
Alice Glass, looking awesome, always.
And then....my hair, due to the fact I dye it blue and pink, starting falling out an inch from the root. Brilliant. I'd always hated girls that got extensions, considered it vain and cheating. Guess what though, I ended up buying some clip in ones, dying them pink and blue and now I can't do my thing without clipping those bad boys in. Why? Well, again, it makes me feel a bit better about myself. But does that mean i've become everything I once hated? Maybe, but when I was hating the fakery, the poster girls for this stuff was Katie Price and Chantelle Houghton, girls who seem to make money from appealing to a males base instincts and being very very stupid indeed. Am I now a slave to shallow ways?!
Well....no, i'm not, because I realised this. In this world, people ARE very concerned with looks for a myriad of reasons. We are constantly harangued with images of stunning, flawless women, expensive clothes, salubrious lifestyles and being told constantly that we can do stuff to achieve this. I am not fooled by it all, but there are a lot of people out there whose lives are made a lot sunnier by having the LUCK, and nothing else other than luck, of having two parents whose genetic make up being mixed together made them one good looking bastard. Am I bitter? Well, a bit yeah, who wouldn't want to earn millions and be applauded for basically just being born and being able to walk and talk at the same time if commanded to? Certainly seems preferable to working as a cleaner or studying your arse off for years to end up waiting tables.
Leslie Ash, post botched lip and face filler
But where would I draw the line? Well, my opinions on plastic surgery have in fact softened. Firstly I would LOVE to get my teeth done, as they do make me ashamed to smile as they're yellow due to a childhood medication that was withdrawn, and crooked due to my wisdom teeth. Also, there have been times that I have cried out for liposuction and a nose job.
Then I remember stories like poor Leslie Ash (pictured above) who had always been a fox, from the first time I saw her in the amazing film Quadrophenia shagging Paul Daniels in an alley, to her being the rather perky,delicious girl next door in 90's sitcom Men Behaving Badly. Actually, nearly all her roles had been based on her youthful good looks. It wasn't unthinkable that this level of pressure had lead her to have her face disfigured, and subsequently mocked and ridiculed by the tabloid press. The whole attitude of the press, even when pitifully disguised in rags like Heat, is vicious when attacking people for getting fat, thin or older. Things that happen to humans, the cruelest being mocking age, which no human can fight, making it feel like a disease. I mean, it's bad enough having to accept we'll all sag to the point that our jowls will move independent of our faces. We don't need constant pictures of Joanna Lumley to remind us how unlucky we are in relation to her....
Katie Price. Shhhhh now Katie, we've all heard, seen, tutted enough.
What was I rambling about? Oh yeah, surgery. I wouldn't do it. I made this decision about six years ago when I had a cyst the size of a human head in my pelvis. I had a six hour operation to remove the thing and the recovery, for a relatively benign operation, took three months of recovery before I could even walk like I hadn't been beaten in the stomach with a baseball bat. It was terrifying seeing the results of trauma that your body goes through when operated on. The idea that people do that for vanity reasons, basically risk death through the million ways you can die through an operation, scares the knickers right off my bottom. No ta, i'll just have to put up with my crippling confidence issues instead, because lets face it, those confidence issues can't actually physically cripple me, which I think i'd prefer less....
So how do you feel about these things? Do you prefer to work with what chance gave you, or do you go to the level of enhancement that means a one night stand could be an extremely awkward situation the next morning, involving lots of reclipping, and mucky fake tan stained sheets? Do you care? Should I stop rambling now?
Hiya! So I have rubbish hair, which I have mentioned before. It's thin, it's damaged beyond belief due to my bleaching and blue/pink gradient, and it lies flat, and if I get at all hot it's a pathetic, lifeless, limp nightmare. I'm always looking for new and vaguely affordable products to fight my follicle faults.
I spied this on offer at Superdrug three days ago for the bumper price of £1.23, so I couldn't stop myself from giving it a go. It's part of the Fudge Urban range, which is a diffusion range courtesy of Fudge, who i've been a fan of for many many years, which is available exclusively in Superdrug.
I've tested this on three consecutive nights that have involved extremes of heat, sweat, rain and a hat, and I can vouch for the fact that it works. My hair feels bulkier, the volume hasn't dropped despite sleeping on it and the added heat protection is a total bonus, as my hair is really damaged and weak. The smell is lovely too, which, without being a total rubbish girl, does make a difference to me.
If you'd like to purchase this, it's only available on offer instore at Superdrug at the moment, so get a wiggle on and get some before they hike the price up!
I can't sleep, and as well as having 'Hey Ladies!' by the Beastie Boys in my head (so good when the bass synth kicks in!), I have decided to ward of the night time frustrations by posting my new nail polish joys. As mentioned before, I am TERRIBLE at doing my nails, I rip them off when they get too long, and I don't clean up mistakes. The reason for this is I don't really care, I just don't, it's a bonus i'm not still filling in my nails with permanent market and tippex, so frankly, y'know, whatever.
Anyway, I bought myself these beauties.
Illamasqua rubber finish nail polish in Prosperity
Illamasqua rubber finish nail polish in Nurture
I don't really go for traditional nail polish finish unless it's a silly colour, and I had a BIG love for the matt finish trend that happened a couple of years back. Rubber finish is just the next step up to AMAZE though frankly! The only downside with this stuff is you need at least three coats, otherwise there is a slight hint of opacity that you don't really want. Also, obviously you can't do a top coat, so you may be chipping by day two or three. It's pretty darn hardwearing though, and the colours are to DIE for. I couldn't afford more than two, but I would really love to get my hands on this colour too...
Illamasqua rubber finish nail polish in Serenity (bright turquoise)
Anyway, have a look at my badly done manicure below and enjoy the rubbery joys of this nailpolish.
My hand, ten minutes ago. Click to enlarge my bad photo.
I purchased this polish from the trusty Illamasqua website for £13.50 each. Click here to go to there.
If that's what you're looking for, I am the woman to show you just that. I am a woman in her early mid thirties (yep, i'm at that age when I want to specify exactly where I am in that decade of my life) and I have never, ever EVER had a manicure, and pedicure, to me, is the most insane waste of money I could think of. When it comes to manicures, basically, I rip my nails off once they start annoying me when i'm dj'ing. Have a look at my dry handed (I mentioned I have OCD didn't I? I'm a handwasher par excellence) , unpainted nails below.
My nails, yesterday, looking rubbish.
So as I said the other day, I found via MUA in Superdrug these FUR EFFECT NAILS that give the texture of a syvanian family doll, or that lovely bit on the front of a cats nose. Sign me up for that! So yes, I bought them all, and they conveniently didn't arrive till after NYE, when they were released in the shops anyway, but I paid postage for that convenience. Whoop. Anyway, I painted my nails with various colours of nail polish from MeMeMe (Carefree), Revlon (Cherries in the Snow) and Barry M (np306), and then applied MUA furry nails in Fluffy Bobbin and Boo Boo Fluff on one hand....
Yep, it's not a great job, but look at the vivid and the furry!
And the other hand was Fuzzy Fluff and Boo Boo Fluff.....
This hand is probably a bit better.
So, yes, there's my messy crappily done manicure. I told you i'm rubbish at being a girl. However, this stuff looks cool. As I said, I don't tend to buy into the whole culture of manicured perfect nails, I have too much shit to do to mess about spending money on have claws, not that I deny anyone the right to have them. If I accidentally scratched a record or accidentally paused one due to having long talons I'd feel like a total gimp, so I choose not to.
Here's the downside of the cool nails though, the furry ones that is. They are a two day thing at most. They do get a bit mucky, and they wear thin quite quickly, and obviously you can't put a topcoat on because it'd look like misery.
All in all tho, this stuff is great. It's vivid colour wise, and looks like a toy squirrel.
Okay, I will admit it, I fail as a woman on many many levels. I am not girly, although I am told by my nearest and dearest I am because I 'like make up', I don't think that qualifies me as a proper girl. I have never waxed my legs, I wouldn't know where to start (obvs I shave though, i'm not a hippy), the first time I got anything done regarding beauty that wasn't me was getting my brows threaded in the thoroughfare of my local shopping center two years ago for a fiver, I never have had a bath with candles, the idea of it bores me, and how on earth do people not get insanely BORED!? I don't get the concept of fake tan, and hair extensions seem like fraud to my mind.....so yes, as I say, i'm not your average girly girl.
So what was this preamble about. Well, nails, I don't really do nails. The only time i'm proud of my nails is if they look like they'd be at home in Tron, the below 1982 version I mean.
Anyway, when I do pain my nails they're holographic, or clashing and matte with Nike ticks or some other bollocks shoved on to stop them looking girly. So when I saw the opportunity to own the below, I got rather excited. Ladies and whoever, I present furry nails!
MUA fur effect nails
It's a pretty simple concept. It's a strongly coloured fur substance, and you paint your nail in a corresponding colour, then press the nail into the fur, wait thirty seconds, brush off the excess and you are left with something like the below.
MUA fur effect nails in Boo Boo Fluff.
They are available in five shades, Fluffy Bobbin (Purple), Fluff and Cuddles (Magenta/Red), Fluffy Puff (Baby Pink) and Fuzzy Fluff (Pink) as well as the already pictured shade above. Apparently the effect lasts from 2-3 days in total, because of the nature of the material, they do actually attract dirt and fluff, which sounds a little rank, but I myself would happily put up with it to have those furry friends for a night out.
They will be available in Superdrug stores around the country from January 3rd, but are online HERE NOW for a bargainous £3.00 each. I myself have ordered three, and I cannot wait to try them!!
